Dear Eric: I have a friend I have known since third grade. She lives in another state. Recently, I went on a trip with three of my other friends in the state where this friend lives. She is a very good friend but quite opinionated and comes on a bit strong.
Since we were close by, she asked if she could join us. I felt uncomfortable asking my other friends if she could join us, but they were very nice and said it was fine. It was OK.
Now, my three friends and I are planning a trip in the spring and, when this friend heard us talking, she said she would like to join us again. I don’t want to put my other friends in another awkward position. How do I handle this situation?
— Slight Dilemma
Dear Dilemma: Respectfully, it sounds less like your friends would be inconvenienced by having her tag along and more like you would be. And this is totally fine. Some friends are only for certain situations.
And, truthfully, it’s a little presumptuous of her to invite herself on your next trip. On the other hand, maybe she’s lonely and taking a bold step to remedy that. That’s human; that’s fine.
If you’re uncomfortable having her join, however, it’s wise to just tell her directly that you’d prefer to make the trip with these other friends, since you have a shared history and way of doing things. Suggest alternative ways that you can connect with your friend from third grade. Maybe it’s a trip out to see her, or another get away for just the two of you.
Dear Eric: My mother has been a loving supportive mom all our lives. She became a widow with three young children at a young age and had no job skills. She struggled greatly raising us. My sister achieved financial success as an adult and sought to help our mom financially in myriad ways.
Unfortunately, my mom was irresponsible and even duplicitous about money many times over the years. She once cashed a check that was intended for my sister’s living expenses while in college. She took advantage of credit cards made available for her use by my sister, maxing them out. She accepted loans that she never repaid. She would often borrow from one person to pay another. She often would tell white lies to cover her tracks regarding the money issues.
My sister sees my mother as a narcissist who plays the martyr and who failed to protect us. She was the youngest when my father died from suicide and I’m not sure she truly understands how it devastated my mom.
When the money issues are brought up, my mom minimizes what she has done by saying she’s gotten better about it and has paid back money recently.
My sister is not speaking to our mom now. Mom is in remission from cancer, and I worry there may not be a lot of time left for them to spend together.
I understand my sister is hurt but I think she will regret the time lost when my mom is gone someday. Neither of them is really open to therapy. Do you have any advice I can share with them?
— No Regrets Wanted
Dear No Regrets: Your mother still has amends to make toward your sister. It’s not just about paying back money; it’s about taking responsibility, apologizing and taking proactive steps toward repair. That is, unfortunately, not work that you can do for her.
Siblings often have differing perspectives regarding their parents. You can live in the same house but have completely different lives. You see your mother in one way, and that’s completely valid. But your sister’s experience and perspective are valid, too. So, the best thing that you can do is not try to shift your sister’s view. I know that you’re responding out of care and concern for her in the long term, but she needs someone to affirm that what she went through was real and her feelings matter.
I think your mother probably needs this, too. I read a lot of compassion in your letter. You want to make things right. Instead, try to make things true. Tell your mother the truth: the rift between her and your sister hurts you, too, and it pains you that she won’t take responsibility for what she did. Tell your sister the truth: you see the pain that she’s in and, though you don’t have the same pain, you love her, and you want healing for her.
It’s hard to be a bystander when our loved ones are hurting. But, right now, pushing them together isn’t going to be as helpful as loving them separately until they can find their ways back to each other.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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